Tuesday Testimony

Today was a typical Monday, shitty weather, shitty attitudes, and shitty people. I'm sure you get the point. While at work, I spot one of my co-workers reading a Cosmopolitan magazine, one of the headlines read 36 New Tricks To Turn Him On, and another reads Sex Trends Worth Trying. I thought to myself where is the Gay man's guide to dating and sex.

I am 23 years old and I've been on this earth as a gay man for 16 years (I knew I was gay at 7), and to be honest I am still learning to accept who I am. I am not out to a lot of my friends, not even my parents. One thing I know is that a mother knows her child, she knows I'm gay, but I still haven't come out. It's pretty lonely staying in this closet. I think me not being out contributes to me being ignorant about a lot of things when it comes to homosexual dating, life, and love.

When I was 18 my family got its first computer. We had AOL, which would ultimately become my learning annex of gay terminology and lifestyle. I remember the first chat buddy I ever made, his name was BstonJones. I met him in the M4M Steamroom on AOL. He instant messaged me with Top or Bottom. I had no clue what that meant, so I just responded with a nice hello. We talked a lot over a couple months. Over those couple of months I learned what top and bottom was, what chaps were, terms like fem, bear, twinkie, and rimming etc. Thank U BstonJones.

I am probably at the most confusing and lonliest state in my life. I have dated females, kissed females, had sex with females. While my dick was in them, my heart wasn't with them.

I still knew I liked dudes, but I thought I might be bi. Eventually I just learned to personally accept the fact that I'm gay. I yearn to share that first kiss with a man (Although I kissed I boy when I was 12). There is so much I have yet to experience.

• I have never sucked a dick. I don't even know how.
• I have never been to a gay club.
• I have never kissed another MAN.
  
• I don't know if I am a Top or Bottom.

My lack of experience always makes other gay guys question my sexuality. Whenever I talk to a dude online, I'm always hit with the question, "How do you know your gay if u have never had sex with a man before?" "Are u just bi-curious?"I find that so odd, in high school I always felt I had to prove my masculinity more than the next man because I was gay, but I never thought I would have to prove I was gay to another gay man. Being black can be hard in itself, but being gay as well, is sometimes just too much. It seems like gay men are pickier than women. I get tired of visiting sites like Adam4Adam and the Gay Chatroom on Blackplanet, where everyone post pics of their dicks and ass. Why can't I just meet someone at the mall or the grocery store like straight people do. Oh I know why, because you just can't assume everyone is gay the way we assume everyone is straight in any given environment.

I just wanna be FREE, free to be me and live my life. I didn't choose to be gay, it is just the life that chose me.