Ambiguously GAY

I am big fan of Project Runway and an even bigger fan of its newest designer Michael Knight. He is the only the brotha on the show, as a matter of fact, I think he is the only black designer on the show. Sad part is, he barely gets any camera time and he is one of the best things to look at on the show. Most of the males on the show are Gay, with no if's, ands, or butt's (pun inteded) about it. I know it shouldn't be important or matter, but I keep wondering is Michael Gay. I am getting some Karamo vibes from him. My gaydar is slightly going off, but I can't really tell.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Alot of people are trying to figure him out. If he is gay, it would only make him hotter as far as I'm concerned. I'm sure mgazines like Flava Life and Clik would embrace him immediately.

Michael Knight...Gay Or Straight?

Driving School Dropout

Ok, as some of you might know or not know, I don't have my driving license. This wouldn't be such a big deal if I lived in Chicago or New York or something, but I live in Saint Louis, where we have to call a cab by phone and the buses come every 30 minutes to an hour if your lucky. Having a license is a must. I am 24 and still without a license, I think I suffered from a phobia of a driving, but now I am cured and ready to hit the road. I really didn't have anybody willing to take the time to show me how to drive, so I thought I would go to driving school. Little did I know how expensive driving school was, but I found a good, reasonable, cheap one so I thought. I found it in the yellow pages, A Better Way Driving school, $75.00 for 2 hours, not bad, so I schedule my lesson.

The day of my driving session approaches quickly. My appointment is at 9:30 a.m. It is now 9:40 and the instructor is late. He was suppose to pick me up at my house at 9:30 sharp. So I look outside my front door and surprise surprise I see a raggedy 98' blue 2 door cavalier, with a huge cone on top of the roof that read " A Better Way Driving School" I pulled my fitted black NY hat down over my eyes, trying to be incognito hoping nobody on my block saw me as I walked towards the car that was occupied by a rather overweight white man speaking on his cellphone, who looked to be about in his mid to late 40's. He gave me a quick wave signaling me to get in the car. I get in, just as he is getting off the phone. My nose is immediately offended by his indescribable funk that filled the car and my face and nose frowns up with a whatthefuckisthatsmell kinda look. I look around the car and notice the trash and papers in the backseat. So far so wrong, but I try to suck it up, because all I want is to get my license and get off the damn bus. I take a quick look at his outfit, he was wearing some rather short gray shorts that showed off his huge pink thighs and stretch marks. His stomach hung over most the steering wheel and I wondered how even managed to drive.I ask the driving instructor does he accept credit/debit. He replies "Nope. Cash only." So I run back in the house and grab some cash and get back in the car. He immediately says, " I'll take that money now." He then begins the lesson by pulling out a drivers guide and wiping some of his thin greasy hair out of his face. The cover of the book is missing and I notice multiple food stains on the pages as he skims through pages of the book with his hotdog fingers. He finally stops at a page with what looks to be chocolate smeared all over it. I am beyond disgusted at this point, but once again I suck it up We switch seats and as he gets out I have the pleasure of seeing his nasty ass buttcrack. I finally pull off in the car and the drama begins.........

While I'm driving the instructor begins to inform me that "us people" on the northside don't know how to drive properly. I live on the Northside of Saint Louis in North city. It is predominately black and its basically the hood. He then goes on to say North city has some of the worst drivers, we drive like idiots, and we all should go to drivers school. Then he starts to begin every sentence with "You People" "Your Brothers" "Your Sisters" "The Brothers" "The Sisters" at this point my face becomes really warm from the anger building up inside of me.

We drove in north city the whole time and he made me drive extra slow, which upset more than a few drivers. One chick in particular got so upset at the speed I was driving she felt the need to pull up to the side of me and yell "U Stupid Bitch, U will never get ur drivers license!" I ignored the chick and gave her a polite fuck you smirk, but the driving instructor felt the need to yell out the window "U Stupid Whore!". I thought to myself, "This fool is trying to get me killed, he must not realize he is a fat white man in the hood, Yo ass will get popped for realz!"

We get through that minor situation and I proceed to drive. He then gets a phone call from someone wanting to make appointment for driving lessons. I hear him ask the person on the phone do they have a drivers permit, they obviously respond no, because I hear him say " You need a drivers permit to learn how to drive." He hangs up the phone looking very frustrated and proceeds to say "Only the people in North city would not know that you need a driver's permit to learn to drive. I teach White, Latino, Indian, and Chinese people to drive all the time and the only problems I ever encounter are with Black people from the North city." Luckily by this time its time to end our driving lesson so I head back home in disgust.

Before I get out the car I cancel my standing appointment for the following day. I reported his ass to the Better Business Bureau ASAP. I can't believe I wasted my money on this shit. Truly a nightmare, from beginning to end. This a sure case when the cheap comes out expensive.

ONE is the Loneliest Number

Yesterday, I finally got done reading a book that a friend of mine referred to me titled I'm On My Way by Christopher David. I have never related so much to a book in my life, it was almost scary, especially since the end had me twisted. The main character, Jared, is looking for love, true love. He goes through a roller coaster of emotions on his journey and ends up...well I won't spoil the ending for those who haven't read this book. But this book fucked me up for real. I'm already borderline depressed at least once out of the week, but after reading this book it made me think about so much in my life. When I finished this book, I literally just sat in my room for the rest of the day. I couldn't move.

It feels like the feeling of loneliness is invading my body and taking over and starting to become unbearable, because you see I too am looking for love. I have loved, but never, ever, ever, have I been in love. It makes me sad, I won't lie. I sometimes have to wonder if it would be easier if I were straight. Would I still be single? Would I marry? Would I have kids? Those questions are always in the back in my mind and just for a second I begin to hate myself, hate myself for being this gay man. I too, much like the character Jared, ask God, Why did you make me this way? Why ME? No answers. It would be nice to have that one special person to call on, someone to lie next to, someone to share your life and dreams with. Sometimes I really have to wonder if love like that even exists in this, dare I say, "lifestyle". I just don't understand why it has to be so hard . The fact that I just can't go to normal places like the grocery store, the mall, or to a baseball game and meet somebody is annoying. Why does it have to be a gay club or Adam for Adam. Speaking of Adam for Adam, I am so tired of all the rules that people have to follow just to fucking speak to one another. No FATS, no FEMS. UNLOCK PICS before hitting me up. BLACK/LATINO only. And its always the fugliest mofos that have all these requests and rules. I swear sometimes gay people treat each other worse than straights.

My life is stressful enough as it is, but sometimes to be honest, being gay feels like another burden in it self. I get tired of answering the same questions. How come you don't have a girlfriend? When are u going to get a girlfriend? I am not OUT to anybody, people may assume but I have not and will not confirm their suspicions. A person told me awhile ago, that a mother always knows. I think my mom does know about me, but I am not ready to come out to her or anybody else that I know. For some odd reason, it is easier for me to come out to strangers, rather than my relatives and friends. Maybe it would be easier if I had gay friends, or even a gay friend, but I don't so the only person I confide in, is myself.

People have said I smile too much. If only they knew behind this smile, lied a great deal of confusion and sometimes pain.