ONE is the Loneliest Number

Yesterday, I finally got done reading a book that a friend of mine referred to me titled I'm On My Way by Christopher David. I have never related so much to a book in my life, it was almost scary, especially since the end had me twisted. The main character, Jared, is looking for love, true love. He goes through a roller coaster of emotions on his journey and ends up...well I won't spoil the ending for those who haven't read this book. But this book fucked me up for real. I'm already borderline depressed at least once out of the week, but after reading this book it made me think about so much in my life. When I finished this book, I literally just sat in my room for the rest of the day. I couldn't move.

It feels like the feeling of loneliness is invading my body and taking over and starting to become unbearable, because you see I too am looking for love. I have loved, but never, ever, ever, have I been in love. It makes me sad, I won't lie. I sometimes have to wonder if it would be easier if I were straight. Would I still be single? Would I marry? Would I have kids? Those questions are always in the back in my mind and just for a second I begin to hate myself, hate myself for being this gay man. I too, much like the character Jared, ask God, Why did you make me this way? Why ME? No answers. It would be nice to have that one special person to call on, someone to lie next to, someone to share your life and dreams with. Sometimes I really have to wonder if love like that even exists in this, dare I say, "lifestyle". I just don't understand why it has to be so hard . The fact that I just can't go to normal places like the grocery store, the mall, or to a baseball game and meet somebody is annoying. Why does it have to be a gay club or Adam for Adam. Speaking of Adam for Adam, I am so tired of all the rules that people have to follow just to fucking speak to one another. No FATS, no FEMS. UNLOCK PICS before hitting me up. BLACK/LATINO only. And its always the fugliest mofos that have all these requests and rules. I swear sometimes gay people treat each other worse than straights.

My life is stressful enough as it is, but sometimes to be honest, being gay feels like another burden in it self. I get tired of answering the same questions. How come you don't have a girlfriend? When are u going to get a girlfriend? I am not OUT to anybody, people may assume but I have not and will not confirm their suspicions. A person told me awhile ago, that a mother always knows. I think my mom does know about me, but I am not ready to come out to her or anybody else that I know. For some odd reason, it is easier for me to come out to strangers, rather than my relatives and friends. Maybe it would be easier if I had gay friends, or even a gay friend, but I don't so the only person I confide in, is myself.

People have said I smile too much. If only they knew behind this smile, lied a great deal of confusion and sometimes pain.